I Am My Kid’s Prefrontal Cortex 🧠… but my brain often goes on strike 😫
I Am My Kid’s Prefrontal Cortex 🧠… but my brain often goes on strike 😫
How One ADHD Mom Is Creating a Second Brain to Stay Sane (and Keep Her Kid Out of Trouble for Wearing the Wrong Uniform)
So things have been unravelling in my home the last couple of weeks and I missed a few important announcements from school…
Ok most are not that important but there's one I felt so so so so bad about...
I missed an announcement that told us to make sure our kids dress in formal school attire and report to school at 7 am so they can line up and collect the award on stage.
So my son didn't know he got the award and he saw his name flash on screen. He said, "Eh, got award?" to another friend who also missed the announcement and both of them laughed it off.
I just felt so bad cuz this guy doesn't get a lot of opportunities to be recognized publicly for the good work he does.
And many other things like missed Tingxie (Chinese spelling) and spelling dates etc.
Granted… this is HIS work and responsibilities so HE should take ownership, right??
Unfortunately, we are now caught in a tricky situation - he should take responsibility but he can’t.
He can’t, literally, because of his ADHD and underdeveloped executive function.
This means I have 2 jobs:
BE his prefrontal cortex and keep track of his stuff and do the reminding.
TRAIN his executive function skills so there will be a day which I no longer have to be his prefrontal cortex. It’s the inter-switching between the 2 that is extremely challenging because there are so many grey areas - sometimes it’s my job and then my son seems to get a handle on his stuff. And then I stop the reminders and things start spiralling out of control.
Plus, MY own executive function skills aren’t that great… and I’m functioning for myself an and at least 2 other kids.
It's A LOT.
I know I will drop the ball when I don’t have a firm handle on everything that’s going on - and that’s a scary feeling because I don’t know what I don’t know… but also, not scared enough to go and read my 100 unread Parents’ Gateway notices. huh… #truestory
This is a classic case of Intention Deficit Disorder - a misalignment of knowing what I need to do and lacking the motivation to do it. [https://www.additudemag.com/intention-deficit-disorder-adhd/?srsltid=AfmBOoqAoXck1vCjxOb5E5bD-_j5AY7WFTYJXmqkbEuNAeinvW6ckCwO]
(for those not in Singapore, Parents’ Gateway is an app that schools send out notices to parents)
THIS UNTAMED CHAOS HAS GOT TO STOP.
So l'm setting up my external second brain in my kitchen with the calendars, notices, trackers and reminders.
For myself AND my kids too. So I don't have to nag.
I'll just say, "Go check the wall please."
This is my new command centre so I don't lose track of stuff (or lose it less) - this is my second brain!
It's a lot better for mental health too when things don't seem to be swirling in my head and the anxiety of dropping the ball sometime. I don't know when but surely, it will happen!
3 Tips for the Overwhelmed Mom Who Has Executive Function Challenges
Have a second brain outside of your brain
If you identify yourself as a sparkly, scattered mom (if you’re not sure, I have an executive function clarity quiz - it’s a fun one, go do it to see what are your areas of EF challenge!), we have an interest-driven brain, not necessarily driven by what’s logical, efficient, important nor urgent.
Our brain is motivated by sparkly ideas and big thoughts - not for planning and remembering details about parent- teacher meetings and who needs what uniform, when.
All these should live outside of our brain.
It is important to develop systems that live outside our brain so that we will relieve the cognitive load and our working memory won’t have to hold so many things in tandem.
We NEED visual reminders. Your kids need them even more! The more visual and easy to reference, the more effective. Pretty is a bonus but hand-written, taped up, done is better than beautiful. We can work on the aesthetic when the dopamine and motivation kicks in, but in the meantime, handwritten, ugly is fine, as long as it holds the necessary information we need.
Don’t think this is so obvious and duh to even talk about the process with your children! it is not!! Because anything that occurs in your head is INVISIBLE and anything that is abstract and invisible to your child will not be (easily) perceived, integrated into his/her own systems and acted upon.
However, no system is useful unless we actively use the system. Use both your electronic calendars and physical calendars together!
Electronic calendars are great for putting in reminders and notes on the go and setting recurring events and alerts before the events so we can set and forget.
Physical calendars and reminders are great for constant, recurring events for the family. Use both! It’s great if both are synced, but in the event that they aren’t, because we got lazy updating one and not the other, at least we have something.
Put in recurring reminders and set a time to update the family command centre weekly. Get your kids involved too in reading these Parent Gateway and Class Dojo notices and then updating the events. It builds good habits of date management and updating important information for everyone in the family.
Automate what your kids have to do everyday / week so it’s increasingly not your responsibility.
Once these systems are set up, all we need, perhaps, is to prompt them, “What do you have coming up this week? Have your checked the wall?”
ACTION TAKING TIME!
In summary, If noting things in your calendar or checking them isn’t second nature to you,
Set recurring alarms for yourself to check parents’ gateway, class dojo, whatsapp groups (check all communication channels) and note them in your command centre - or at least put them in your digital calendars (phones). I do them on Saturdays because it helps us prepare for the upcoming week.
Make it a conscious event to check the calendar every week with your child. I usually do it on Saturdays so we have time to go get supplies in the weekend if we have to.
Write down all the important events - Tingxie, spelling, tests, excursions, parent-teacher meetings…
Show your child how to set up recurring events and reminders that ping 10 min before, 30 min before, day before etc.
Ask your child how much time does he need to learn spelling or Tingxie? If he says 1 day, get your child to write in the calendar to learn it every Monday. This is part of forecasting and planning ahead so nobody is flustered and caught off guard that there’s a test tomorrow and no one studied over the weekend!
When your schedule gets regular enough, you can do a daily checklist so you don’t even need to think what to do each day.
For more on overcoming EF challenges Task initiation, metacognition and goal setting, read this articlehttps://freedom-fam.com/post/how-to-help-adhd-kids-overcome-task-initiation-metacognition-challenges-in-2025
Need more help?
I have a signature course - The Executive Function Blueprint that helps you train your children in EF skills using everyday events in the home so your child can manage life and school!
